An Unlikely Route to Kingship

 In which William Rufus upsets his brother and the Church is shocked

  Let’s face it, when chroniclers call someone "hateful to almost all his people and odious to God" and the Archbishop refers to them as a ‘wild bull’, you just know things are going to get colourful with this person.    These things were said of William II of England, whose rise to kingship came, appropriately, from a most unexpected frolic.

  William was nicknamed ‘Rufus’, which means red.  This likely refers to his somewhat florid complexion brought about by going around shouting at people.  A disagreeable habit perhaps, but when one is short and has a mother who is only 4ft tall that has been called incestuous by the Pope, one probably has had to put up with a lot in the playground.


Statue of William Rufus looking mischievous

  As third son of William the Conqueror, Rufus followed the custom of being packed off to get a degree in archbishop-ry.  This wasn’t for young Rufus.  In fact his care free larks seemed to get right up the noses of the Clergy.  He had indecently long hair for the Church and wore it in a blasphemous centre-part.  And his shoes ... long, pointy and curled at the ends were a scandal!

Richard the Lionheart gets Arrested

  "In which Duke Leopold gets the hump and a king is undone by a chicken"

  Late in 1192, King Richard I of England had decided that he’d better be getting back home from his Crusade.  So he hopped on a boat and said “That way boys!” and off they sailed.

  As it was winter-time Richard couldn’t expect to avoid storms and had the rotten luck of crashing his yacht into a rock near Venice.  After roundly cursing a bit whilst waiting for his clothes to dry, Richard and his chums were ready to set off for home once again.

  This time they decided to hike overland to his sister and Brother-in-law’s house in East Germany.  Unfortunately this would mean tramping through the realm of Leopold of Austria.  Leopold didn’t like Richard.  After winning the siege of Acre, Richard’s men had lobbed Leopold’s banner off the battlements and Leopold had got upset because now he could not lay claim to any of the spoils of the town.  The Englishmen may even have laughed as they did it, which would have really rankled.


  Leopold's Castle at Durnstein

  On top of this, Leopold’s cousin, Conrad de Montferrat, had recently been done in by assassins, just days after being named King of Jerusalem.  Not only had this ruined the festivities, but rumour had it  that Richard had given the bumping-off order.  When Leopold heard this he was vexed.  The sound of smashing crockery could be heard all over his castle...

1066: The Battle of Hastings

"In which some tourists are suprised and William's PR team change his name"

  As a first post on here, one feels that the natural thing to do is pick an absolute chestnut from the annals of history.  And what event could be more chestnuty than the Battle of Hastings?

  The battle of Hastings took place on 14th October 1066.  It starred William the Conqueror in the blue corner sitting on his horse sporting chain mail and a shocking hair-cut, and Harold Godwin (king of Saxon England) in the red corner with his mates the Huscarls brandishing axes and topped with long flowing curly locks.
 

  Ultimately the battle would catch Harold looking up at the wrong moment and receiving an arrow through the eyeball.
 

  The cause of the battle all started because the previous king, Edward the Confessor, forgot to mention who should succeed him as king when he died.  So when he did die, a great rumpus took place with everybody claiming, in an off-handish sort of way, that good old king Edward had definitely said that they could be king after he'd had his go. 
 

  Of course, most claimants were ignored as idiots, but three people seemed to have good claims to the English throne. Harold Godwin, Harold Hardrada (king of Norway) and William who was known most unfortunately as ‘the Bastard’ and whose aunt was the dead kings mother.
 

Edward the Confessor and William the Conqueror in stained glass 

  Naturally everyone in England thought Harold Godwin's claim was best, so he popped the crown on his top and said "Ta very much" or words to that effect.  But here is where things get tricky and give us all a salutary warning of our behaviour when on holiday....